Alberta’s never-ending Party

The citizens of the DPRA enjoy the Centennial Breakfast of the Party’s Benevolence./ Resolute

The citizens of the DPRA enjoy the Centennial Breakfast of the Party’s Benevolence./ Resolute

In the near-distant future, people will be making movies about wanting to interview Alberta’s leader.

CALGARY- With the Progressive Conservative People’s Democratic Party of the Democratic Popular Republic of Alberta marking its 100th anniversary of power, citizens of the nation’s capital gathered in the historic downtown to pay tribute to the founder of the Party dynasty, Peter Loug-hee. Many citizens display a passionate attachment to the founder, known as the ‘Benevolent Father’ since 2035, with many displaying his picture in storefronts and public squares nationwide. Citizens especially revere him for his role, faithfully recorded in Party-issued history textbooks, in defeating the ‘Great Liberal Devil Trudeau’ and ultimately starting the then-province of Canada to its path to independence.

As Calgary bartender John Jae-sohn recalls, “The Benevolent Father had to guide us out of the morally corrupt Dominion of Canada and find our own way. When the rest of Canada foisted the Great Liberal Devil upon us, we had no choice but to separate. The Benevolent Father personally led our brave troops to Ottawa and impaled the Devil with the pitchfork given to him by a simple, loyal farmer.”

When pressed about an alternative story that claimed Peter Loug-hee in fact successfully tolerated the Devil, to the point of negotiating a new Constitution with him, Jae-sohn screamed, “It is all lies! Do not spread the morally corrupt Canadian propaganda to me!” as nearby police officers glared at this reporter.

The Party’s reign depended largely on a wave of prosperity ensured by high oil prices. However, even when oil prices fell (at time of writing, oil traded for 10 Global Dollars per barrel), the Party still maintained its iron grip on power. Traditional accounts focus on the Party’s ability to successfully blame the then-dominant Liberal Party of Canada (now the Liberal Democratic Party of Canada) on every price fluctuation that occurred. The reason to which such explanations found currency with the Albertan public remain a mystery to devoted Albertologists.

“Generally in democracies, you would find that eventually governing parties get their ‘best-before date’, so to speak, and get voted out,” said University of Surrey political scientist Grace Chung. “For some reason, this phenomenon never occurred in Alberta. In fact, even when they appeared ripe of defeat, such as in 1993, the Progressive Conservatives still hung on.”

This is not to say that the Party never had its downsides. Observers point to the reign of Alisun Ree-for in 2012 as a key crisis point, as then the Party was faced by a splinter faction known as the Wild Rose Alliance which gained popularity amongst the public. However, the Party overcame its problems by forcing Ree-for to resign and subsequently proclaiming her to be a reincarnation of the Great Liberal Devil; she is colloquially known as ‘The Red Fraud’. In subsequent years, the Party managed to absorb the Wild Rose and other opposition parties, leading to its current hegemony.

What the future holds for the DPRA remains unknown. Despite its oil-focused economic policy leaving its northern regions an environmental disaster zone, its reign appears solid. The informal links established by international oil companies based in Billings, Montana, have allowed the economy to thrive somewhat, but far below the level experienced in Canada. Nevertheless, it appears that the Party’s grip on the DPRA remains secure. When this reporter last saw John Jae-sohn, he was in a Calgary cinema throwing rocks at a screen with Pierre Trudeau’s face on it; this lasted for two minutes.

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