A new way to pay

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Author: U of R Administration-Carillon Liaison

The Riddell Centre has a new occupant and it’s a holey terror.

It has come to our attention that some students may be confused about the appearance of a fresh gaping hole in the wall of the second floor of the Riddell Centre. We are not sure of the origin of this new hole, but in typical University of Regina fashion, we are trying to make the best out of a shitty deal.

As readers may already know, the University’s maintenance budget is totally shot – and so the hole is to stay in its current state. As the hole is not directly endangering any lives, it is allowed to remain whole under the Saskatchewan Party government’s It’s Not Dangerous If It Hasn’t Killed Someone Yet Act, 2014.

A running theme from the Carilleon this semester has been to point out all of the things going wrong with the university, focusing only on the negative aspects of attending a university, which receives roughly 60 per cent less funding than its provincial counterpart.

“Why isn’t the hole being fixed?” many have asked, and today we have a substantive answer for them. Not only is the hole a very special hole in the wall, it’s also a new way to pay your tuition.

In contrast to the old, hellish process of paying tuition in person or online, the new method is both fun and exciting! Students are to stuff cash into the hole and once that hole is full, that student is no longer indebted to the university! This cash will then be used to erect more poorly constructed buildings, which will not be maintained.

So, this semester – just toss your handful of cash into the void knowing it is going to a better place because we told you so.

Remember students: don’t stick your hand too far into the hole – former university president and Viannepire, Vianne Timmons is in there all night, making sure you pay your way for the thing we should’ve all already paid for through our taxes. “As you all know, because I’m sure to tell you at every turn, I’ve been doing my best to put myself on the students’ level – walking to work, eating lobster instead of lobster stuffed with steak. I have decided to take it up a notch and will be living in the school 24/7, forgoing my free-as-shit mansion. So you should appreciate me and the hard work I do for Brad Wall. I mean you.”

City councillor and former university president Bob Hawkins endorsed our plan, “in my day, there were no universities or buses, and cars were operated by your feet or pulled by a wisecracking dinosaur.” It really makes you think, Bob.

And all in all, it’s another hole in the wall.

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