Worst of Regina 2012
Worst local artist: Kindergarteners
These kids don’t even know the meaning of colouring inside the lines, yet their creations hang on the fridges of nearly every home in Canada. If a kindergartener hands you a finger painting you have to pretend it’s great, even though you know it sucks. Those deceiving four year olds make you believe that what they have just created took an incredible amount of effort even though, lets be honest, all they did was dip their entire hand into pudding and then smear it onto paper until it formed an unrecognizable blob. I bet that blob doesn’t even have any hidden meaning to it.
Worst thrift store: Havik
They claim to have original pieces, something that no one else will have, but their prices are outrageous. What kind of a thrift store do they think they are? I hear their clothes haven’t even been worn before, what’s up with that? That means the chances of you finding a used Kleenex or mystery stain on your newly purchased item are slim to none. I don’t think I want to shop in a place where contracting lice isn’t an ever-present fear. And would it kill them to have their store smell awful when you first walk in? Work on it, Havik.
Worst place to eat on campus: Chartwells
Chartwells runs a pretty tight monopoly on shitty places to eat on campus, but I think I’ve got them beat. If you want a great place to eat on campus, definitely don’t come to my apartment. The menu consists almost exclusively of leftover Hamburger Helper and raw wieners. On Wednesdays you might find some remnants of Tuesday night’s wing night, but you can fuck right off. Those are mine. For dessert it’s mandarin orange. Singular. I’m not rich, you know. The table is in high demand, so be sure to call ahead for reservations.
Worst student newspaper: The Carillon
This was a tough decision, but in the end, the Carillon narrowly edged out its closest competition (nobody) for the honour of worst student newspaper at the University of Regina. Honestly though, who’s running this dirty socialist rag? It seems like it’s 80 per cent diarrhea jokes and 20 per cent degenerate opinion. This is not journalism. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Blargh angry rant! If I wanted to hear assholes who don’t know what they’re saying talk about stuff, I’d call up my dad.
Worst student activist: Brad Wall
As far as student activists go, I don’t think it is possible to fail any harder than Brad Wall. First off, he is way too old to be in university; for fuck sakes, get a job Brad. As for his role as a “student leader”, when was the last time he did anything for us? He hasn’t advocated for a single student issue since, well, ever; he’s never advocated for a student issue – what a dick. He probably couldn’t do a keg-stand to save his life either. I think it is time to move on Bradley, spread your wings and fly away.
Worst Lawyer: Whoever wasn’t suing the Carillon over the last 10 years
I don’t know who has been practicing law in Regina over the past decade, but whoever they are they missed a goldmine of defamation suits. Everytime I look back in our achives I can plainly see that we were libelling people multiple times a year, every year. The Carillon should have been sued out of business years ago. I can’t say exactly what we did, because that would open us up to more lawsuits, but suffice to say, we deserved it. This year alone Autumn has libelled Gary Bettman in almost every issue. You Regina Lawyers have missed the ball, to say the least.
Worst Type of Milk: Dairy milk.
What's the actual sense in drinking a cow's milk? What's the actual sense in drinking a cow's milk that's been pasteurized and processed and then re-injected with chemically synthesized nutrition in an industrialized factory setting? For Christ sakes people, humans make milk too, suck on one of their titties.
Worst Public Transit: Regina Public Transit.
Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for us, they are simultaneously also our best public transit – but this isn't saying much except nothing in a bunch of unnecessary words. No doubt they provide some legitimate service, but what's the deal with refusing to give free rides anywhere? Come on now, you're going to drive there anyway and the bus is practically empty; be a nice human. And what's the deal with this scheduling; if you're supposed to be at a stop around 1:29 p.m., it would be nice if the bus didn’t drive off until after 1:29 p.m. has already passed.
Worst Pseudo-Librarian: The bitch-ass self-checkout machine at Archer.
Not only is this thing displacing actual human labour, but it refuses to do its job and consistently demands some practically unachievable level of technical skill in order to operate properly. I can scan my books, print my receipt and whatever-have-a-holly-jolly-good-time but every time I do so and then proceed to exit the library I am caught between the magnetic security arms and still, repeatedly, beeped at.
Worst named neighbourhood: Harbour Landing.
Last year I was rather harsh in my treatment of Harbour Landing, but after living with it for more than a year now, I have made peace with it. Especially helpful in this process is the shockingly good food and drink at Lancaster Taphouse. So, I’ve moderated my position, but there is still one thing I think we can agree on: Harbour Landing is the dumbest name for a subdivision in the middle of the prairie. Where’s the Harbour? Why remind people they live under an airport? I just don’t get it.
Worst Clusterfuck: The Intersection at Albert Street, Saskatchewan Drive, and 12th Avenue.
If you’ve ever had the misfortunate of driving down Albert in late afternoon, you’ve likely experienced the abysmal intersection at Albert, Saskatchewan, and 12th. Without a doubt, this is the worst intersection in Regina. The lights at Saskatchewan and Albert do not sync up well with the ones at 12th and Albert, so you might sit waiting at 12th for the light to turn green for 5 minutes while the other light is green, then when yours finally changes, the other one turns red, trapping you in a hellish in-between zone where you might be trapped in an intersection. To make matters worse, there is construction that eats up parts of the northbound lane. Something needs to be done about this intersection. It’s just brutal.
Worst Sidewalk: No sidewalks
We all know that when the snow hits, and the ice hits, and the ice rain, and the wind, and the douche trucks, etc., City of Regina gives zero shits about pedestrians. No matter what, you’re making your own sidewalk, or falling over, or walking in the middle of street and getting honked at, most likely by the douche trucks who are going to shortly thereafter park on your sidewalk. Worst sidewalk? No sidewalk. You just don’t get them in the winter. Enjoy!
Worst Public Bathroom: Moxie's
If the question is, “Did you use this worst as an excuse to go buy junk food from the scummiest fast food joints, gas stations, and bars?” The answer is yes. My final verdict: Moxie’s bathroom. Yes, that’s right, that fancy ass, chairs-with-attached-mirrors bullshit loungy shit-room. Because really, that’s what a public bathroom is. It’s a big room where everyone congregates to shit. There isn’t anything glamourous or cozy about it, and when a girl drunk on margaritas storms in to take a glory shit and then re-apply her lip gloss, you might as well call a spade a spade.
Worst Boxing Club: The Regina Boxing Club
Yo, they call this place the Regina Boxing Club, right bro? So whenever I’m there, hanging with my boys, and I’m feeling the beat, and I gotta pump my fist, I get punched in the face. They should seriously change their name to the Regina Boxing Punch-in-the-Face Place.
Worst Festival or Event: Hermitfest 2012 (The November Edition)
Once a month, I’ll lock myself in my house, shut off all the lights, throw on a DVD of a show from my childhood, and weep openly about the death of my innocence whilst eating litres upon litres of ice cream. November was particularly bad when I forgot to buy ice cream, so I substituted it for light Miracle Whip.
Worst New Staff at the Carillon: Kyle Leitch
Everyone disregarded my advice from last year, and actually made this blathering idiot of the highest order paid staff! With his own column?! This constant enabling of his inane blind aggression needs to be stopped as soon as is humanly possible. His unfunny profanity-laced rants are ruining the otherwise stellar reputation of a phenomenal newspaper.
Worst Live Theater Performance: That One Man Show in Victoria Park
I was in Victoria Park this summer, when a dude starting staging a one-man rendition of William Shakespeare’s Macbeth. It was weird though, because instead of a power struggle for the Scottish throne, this guy’s version centered on him constantly drinking something from a paper bag, and screaming about how CSIS is using what remains of his teeth as spy satellites to snoop on Ertha Kitt’s cooch. All in all, it was the most disappointing seven-and-a-half hours I’ve ever spent at the theater.
Worst Place to Read on Campus: Riddell Centre
Really, how am I supposed to submerse myself in a world of make-believe when you’re sitting across from me talking with your friends? What, you think you can get lunch here or something? Please. You think this is a place for social interaction? Nuh uh. This is a place for learning. No fun can be had here. There are so many better places to talk with your friends; the fifth floor of the library has comfy leather chairs that just beg to be sat in while you converse with your cohorts about how plastered you got at O’Hanlon’s on the weekend. Why not move there?
Worst Live Music Venue: Campion Library
They don’t even play live music there. Worse yet, they don’t even play any music there! They barely even let you talk. The atmosphere is honestly oppressive. I tried starting a circle pit, and all those kids who were too hip to hardcore dance just scoffed and called security. Like, what the fuck? Who the hell wants to sit down at a rock ‘n roll show, or worse yet, who reads at a show? Mark my words, I will never be wandering down to the library at Campion College to pop in and see who’s playing ever again.
Worst Drone Metal Band: Library Voices
This is just a classic example of a band getting it so wrong. You can’t play drone metal and be happy. Worse yet, you guys are playing way too many damn notes – chiefly, you’re playing more than one note. Pull it together, Library Voices. It’s like they’re not even trying to play drone metal or something. Everything is just so wrong. Tambourines, standard-tuned guitars, vocal harmonies? Where are the creepy hoods and ten-minute instrumental songs with five notes or less? C’mon dudes. This ain’t indie rock.