Student loans to offer new payment plan


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Author: Chief Carillon Governmental Liasion

In an effort to offer an alternative to traditional routes of repayment, the Government of Canada has announced a new way to pay back your mountain of student loan debt.

The new method, whereby a student will be forced to wear a ball-and-chain attached to their ankle, was decided upon last week and was Prime Minister Justin “Pretty Boy” Trudeau’s first official decision.

The ball’s weight will be proportional to the amount of dollars lent to the student during their time at university. A spokesperson from Service Canada, who was only contacted after a dizzying foray into the telephone tree from hell, said that the ball-and-chain was not the only proposal put forth to the Committee on Suitable Student Punishment, the body that helped make this decision.

“Well, the ball-and-chain certainly wasn’t our first idea. Correctional Service Canada had come to us and suggested that an electrified bracelet would quote ‘show them,’ but we ultimately decided that that particular method would be too punitive.

Another option was a giant boulder that would be part of a final exam and would determine whether a student would graduate. We named this the Sisyphus Challenge. Sadly, while the majority of our board – white middle-class men – supported the idea, it sparked a few protests when Tim Horton’s employees on campuses across the country pointed out that concern with staying fit for the challenge may lead to a decrease in sales. We couldn’t allow that to happen, for obvious reasons.”

This is not the first time that Service Canada has tried to implement such a system. In fact, when student loans were initiated in 1939, a system was devised where students would have to work in factories and as unpaid farm laborers. The plan was never implemented as many of these students would end up serving in WWII and would never continue their studies.

With their continued aim to be inclusive, there are multiple programs for those who may not be able to haul a massive ball-and-chain around for the requisite amount of time (a pound per every $1000 to worn for 1.5 times the amount of years they spent in school). Students with a disability may choose to repay their loan in the traditional way, or, if they want to be independent citizens and do like everyone else does, can choose to wear an electrified bracelet. This bracelet – what the representative we spoke to called a “fashionable accessory” – will electrocute the student every time they partake in an activity that requires money that could be spent paying for their education, such as go out to eat, watch a movie, or try to move on with their lives.

Students’ reactions are understandably mixed. Many of the mullet-toting dudebros found in the CKHS are applauding the move, while those who prefer the sciences are crying out against what they are calling unfair treatment. It remains to be seen when this program will go into effect, but the staff of the Carillon will continue to report on the program.


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