Masculinity ruins bar nights


author: annie trussler | op-ed editor

Credit: CMYK


Beer is the world’s biggest lie – like, we all secretly hate this shit, right?

I wanted to take a step back from analyzing the violence and misery of the world to focus on some issues that are on a lower, less drastic scale. While I’m sure I’ll dissolve into a feminist rant at some point or another, this article is more or less something to distract myself from the horrors of reality.

Beer is the world’s biggest lie – like, we all secretly hate this shit, right? I have no idea why so many of you continue to perpetuate this misinformation, but it’s time we all stop.

Every time I order a “girl’s drink,” someone in my vicinity (even strangers) make snide comments about how sweet my beverage is. First of all, who gives a flying fuck? Second of all, why would I purposefully choose the obviously inferior of the two options?

I have a personal motto: never drink just one shot. You must always drink a minimum of three, or else the whole venture is useless. Alcohol, honestly, is the purest definition of necessary evil.

I pose a hypothetical: someone kidnaps you and says, “either you can get stabbed to death, or you can just fall asleep.” The reasonable response is, “Sleep, please.” It’s painless; it’s quick, it’s unthreatening. Sugary drinks are that for me. Why would I ever choose the option that makes me pray for the sweet release of death?

The only time I’ve had beer willingly is when I’ve been presented with no other options – and sometimes, even then, I’ll take water instead.

My drink is more expensive, sure, but I need less of it to have a good time. The human experience is short and painful, so it only makes sense I use the time I do have consuming nutrients in forms that taste vaguely appealing.

In my Biology 30 class in high school, it was discovered that I was part of a small population of humanity that tastes bitterness stronger than others. This might be why I can’t stomach black coffee, either; however, I’m probably just a pansy.

My point is this: stop judging people by what they drink, wear, listen to, or enjoy. Your life is yours, my life is mine, her life is hers, so on and so forth. Our lives are short and ultimately meaningless, so I will always pick a peach-tini over a brewski. Every single time.

The same goes for “chick flics,” playing video games on easy, not knowing every detail of a nerdy franchise, and not liking Breaking Bad. If we believe in averages, you will probably live to about 75, if not earlier, and every little bitter thought you’ve had will be meaningless.

Just be nice to people. We are too fragile not to be kind. We are just animals that found ways to keep ourselves happy amidst our nihilistic drift through the cosmos.

Dudes, next time you go to the bar, please buy a chick drink. Your life will change for the better. Wine-based drinks get you real emotional, though, so be careful.

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