Quick show of hands: who else is bored as fuck of Telemiracle?

I understand that the Telemiracle does a lot of good for a lot of folks, so let’s not all get up in arms. I’m not a seal-clubbing, baby-eating skinhead. I’m just sick of watching the same old crap. This March marked the 36th edition of this two-day long sleeping pill. Since 1977, this so-called “television miracle” has not reformatted once. Let’s be realistic, here. There have been a lot of better television programs that have gone a lot less time without reformatting. Instead of talking all about those shows, I’m going to provide you with an alternate reality Telemiracle that would put asses forcefully in seats.

First of all, we need to change its location. Telemiracle will no longer be held in some dingy theatre, where the big fat guy next to me can ooze out onto my arm rests. It will be held in the apex of the Qu’Appelle Valley, the rolling hills on either side totally encircling the event. Then, golf course grade sprinkler systems will be set up in strategic locations all around the fields. These sprinklers will go off right before the event to ensure that the fields are essentially rendered mud pits.

Next, Bob McGrath needs to go. Tell him, “Good show, Bobby! Hey, fancy medal!” Give Mr. McGrath a couple of bucks for his inconvenience. Then, fly Ricky Gervais in to host Telemiracle. We’ll consider it batting practice for his now regular performances at the Golden Globes. Instead of some weak, soft-rock band to supply the overarching musical supplementation, I suggest bringing in either Rush or Motorhead; I’m leaning towards the latter because, let’s face it, this is a family-friendly event.

Now, where would the Telemiracle be without entertaining acts? Luckily, I’ve got the solution for that, too: bring in Prince – just let me finish! Bring in Prince. Then you bring in Merle Haggard. Then you let Merle Haggard beat the ever-loving shit out of Prince! Then you let the mob – because by now it’s a mob – determine how long the beating commences. You run it like a PBS pledge drive: If you pledge at the $50 level, Merle will slap Prince. if you pledge at the $250, Merle will hit Prince with a tire iron, if you pledge at the $1,000, Merle Haggard will kick Prince in the nuts, sing a personalized cover of “Clap for the Wolfman” on your answering machine, and you’ll get a DVD copy of the whole event!” After all, this will be an exciting event, and you’ll want all of the documentation of its happening you can find.

The current record for donations at a Telemiracle was set in 2007, to the tune of $5.6 million. I scoff at that paltry sum. If you, Kinsmen and Kinettes, accept my simple tactics, it will not be unreasonable to expect $10 million or more in donations. I don’t want the moon, I just want a little life injected into the Telemiracle. Is that too much to ask?

Kyle Leitch

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