You’re probably not doing one

Elizabeth Hames
The Ubyssey

There’s a perception among high school seniors and undergrads that anyone having regular sex is swimming in orgasms and euphoric sex hangovers. But, in the non-romcom world I like to call “reality,” sexual encounters during the teen years and early adulthood are often awkward, uncomfortable or forgettable.

That’s especially true on university campuses, where the majority of students have a sexual history dating back a couple of months at most. On average, Canadians trade in their v-card at around 17 years of age, and less than a third of those between the ages of 15 and 17 have had sex at least once, according to Statistics Canada. But by the time those teens reach college age (18 to 19 years old), about two-thirds report having had sex at least once. Those numbers spike dramatically as students enter into young adulthood: approximately 80 per cent of 20 to 24 year-olds have had sex.

All these numbers suggest that the majority of students lose their virginity during their undergrad. So unless you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’re probably not having sex with an expert. And the approximately two-thirds of boys between the ages of 14 and 17 who watch pornography may have a slightly embellished view of what sex is like.

That being said, there’s a way to achieve more sexual gratification with even the greenest of undergrads: tell them what you want, and be specific.

Unless you’re having sex with a complete sociopath, most people get pretty turned on by a partner who can describe in explicit detail how they want to be fucked – especially during a heated bout of foreplay. Moreover, sharing your own desires with your partner can encourage them to reciprocate, effectively making the experience all the more enjoyable for the both (or all) of you.

Following a study of 115 undergraduates, the study’s authors, Jennifer Montesi et. al., found that “being able to openly communicate with one’s partner is important for the development of intimacy … and sexual satisfaction.”

The study, which explored the effects of social anxiety on sexual satisfaction, concluded that talking openly with partners about “sexual topics” is the key to better sex for even the shyest of bedmates. As an added bonus, those who overcome their bashfulness in the bedroom may also find that their anxiety in other social situations is eased, say the study’s authors.

These conversations don’t necessarily have to include smut speak, although that kind of language is certainly acceptable. It can be as scientific or erotic as you want, but the most important thing is to be clear. Ambiguity may just lead your partner astray and could cause some very awkward moments.

Also, it’s important to understand that sexual expertise is quite a sensitive topic for most young people; everyone wants to be a sexual champion, though few are. Choose your words carefully and make sure you don’t seem accusatory or disappointed.

Precise phrases like, "I like it when you touch my __" or "It feels good when you do 'x' with your 'y' are a lot more effective than, “Ew, that’s so irritating,” or “I’m never going to come if you keep doing that.” And although it can be tempting to slap someone who’s poking your sexy parts like an elevator dashboard, try to restrain yourself.

For some people, even saying the words “stroke” or “lick” out loud can be anxiety-inducing. But you can always show if you can’t tell. Demonstrate on yourself the way you want to be touched, or alternatively, guide their hand with your own.

Lastly, remember that it’s near impossible to teach someone a subject you know nothing about. Take some time during study breaks to fool around solo and learn what areas of your body are most pleasure inducing.

Photo courtesy of Stuart Connor/Flickr Creative Commons

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