Government Minister can’t stop quoting Miley Cyrus or funding science denialism with tax dollares
A previously private school in the province, Last Thursday Academy (LTA), recently qualified to receive half the public funding of a public school as a Qualified Independent School.
LTA belongs to a new religious group known as Coditarianism. A local Coditarian pastor explained “we believe in the one and only almighty Cod.” He went on, “and most importantly, we believe Cod created the world in seven hours last Thursday, just like it says in the good book.”
Causing some controversy among Saskatchewan residents is that LTA is not only a Coditarian school that receives public funds, but it also teaches Last Thursdayism, the belief that the world was created last Thursday, in its science classes.
LTA will use an alternative curriculum from Job Bones University (JBU) for its science classes, a contentious university in Newfoundland with radical Coditarian views.
Jack Queen, an expert who studies the Coditarian movement in Canada, says that JBU is quietly “a leader in the Newfie supremacy movement.” Queen continued, “it doesn’t really make sense for Newfies, of all people, to have a supremacy movement. I mean, they’re basically just discounted Irish.” Though, Queen explained this sort of preposterous thing can happen when “people can promote whichever beliefs they want.”
Due to the Newfie supremacist ties of JBU, Queen is also concerned about informally creating segregated Newfie schools, as well as the intolerant material that may be taught behind closed doors.
The president of JBU, Job Bones himself, is famous for having said “you’re hardly even a human until you’ve kissed a cod,” referring to the Newfie ritual of kissing a cod so that one can be born again a true Newfie, known as a screech-in. Bones would go on to clarify, “with tongue!” in order to distinguish himself from the Southern Screechists, a separate denomination of Coditarians.
Many Coditarians belonging to the sect represented by JBU believe that to spend eternity with an all-loving Cod, one must first be screeched-in. Job Bones says those who don’t “will be doomed to spend eternity in Davy Jones’ Locker!”
For Queen, this raises concerns about bringing these beliefs into schools. He reasons that it would be cruel for teachers to scare young students under their care into a particular religious belief with threats of Davy Jones’ Locker.
For others, the biggest concern is what the new government funding might mean for the separation between church and state. A concerned local resident said “it seems a lot like favouritism, because nearly all the schools getting this new funding are Coditarian.” She continued, “they let them teach Last Thursdayism as part of science class, too. Your religion shouldn’t exempt you from educational standards.”
When asked about the wall between church and state at a press conference, Dusty Dunkin’, the Saskatchewan Government’s minister of education, replied in his best falsetto “to quote Miley Cyrus, ‘I came in like a wrecking ball.’” Dunkin’ continued, “’All I wanted was to break your walls.’”
When asked for comment, the NDP education critic replied “well, he has an amazing falsetto.” The critic caveated, though, “if it were me, I would have sung T Swift.”
When asked about their decision, a father who chose to send their child to LTA said “They’re brainwashing our children in the public schools nowadays.” He explained further, “first it was that secular evolution, and then we couldn’t pray to the almighty Cod in class.”
Another mother who also sent her children to LTA said “Now they’re bringing rainbows into the schools, unbelievable.” She continued, “Back in the good old days, everything was in black and white. Now they’re trying to tell my kid the world is full of colour.” In a huff, she ended “it isn’t in colour if I close my eyes!”
A third parent chimed in, “this colour theory is everywhere nowadays.” The parent continued, “Even in the grocery store just the other day, they tried selling my kid Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms with rainbows all over the box.” The parent stated “it just isn’t natural, look at any 1950s film and you’ll see the world is supposed to be entirely black and white.”
The parents’ concerns vaguely reflected on LTA’s mission statement, part of which claims to “raise up students with traditional Newfie values.”
However, some have accused LTA of hypocrisy. An anonymous Regina resident said that she saw the principal of LTA, Small Johnson, snacking off to Skittles at the local bar. She stated that she could see Johnson “taste the rainbow.”
Johnson has denied all accusations.
With the influx of new students, and fleeing the alleged brainwashing of evolution and colour theory, LTA has faced a shortage of teachers, resulting in them opting to have uncertified staff teach students. Small Johnson told reporters “Come on, you really think a place like this could get people with degrees to work here?”
Rather than require certified teaching staff like most public schools, the ministry of education does not require all teaching staff to be certified at Independent Schools. When asked how the Ministry came up with the policy, Dunkin’ stated “I just closed my eyes and swung.”
Surprisingly, about half of LTA’s teachers are certified. One of these teachers said that they were able to make it through university while still holding onto their belief that the world was created last Thursday by “going into every class with absolute faith that I already knew everything.” The teacher went on, “I have a book written by the creator of the universe, so if I came across something that contradicted it, I just didn’t have to give it any consideration.” They finished, “that’s the kind of attitude I hope to instill in my students, it’s a little something we call ‘faith.’”
As Qualified Independent Schools have been getting more scrutiny lately, rumours have swirled that Dusty Dunkin’ may lose his cabinet position. In a leaked phone call, Dusty Dunkin’ is heard talking with Premier Scatt Joe about potentially being removed from cabinet. Dunkin’ said “all you ever did was wreck me. Yeah, you, you wreck me.”
Queen commented on the overall situation saying “it’s remarkable that schools like LTA could get public dollars, reality really can be stranger than fiction.”