Investigation finds campus newspaper

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The Carillon discovered in strange stands around campus

Kyle Leitch
“Correspondent”

Recently, reporters at the Carillon endeavored to find out what the Carillon is, in the face of recent accusations of declining readership and unawareness amongst the students.

“I’ve seen newspaper stands around,” said a second-year education student, who wished to remain nameless. “Are there actually newspapers in those? I usually just glance at them and move on.”


“Holy shit. “We’re the Carillon? Jesus, we’re just awful.” – Paul Bogdan


“I used to read the paper often,” said Michael Chmielewski, frequent contributor to the Carillon. “Lately, though, I’ve just been using back issues as kindling for my fireplace. Oh, also, if I spill soda, or something, I usually just use an issue of the Carillon to mop it up.”

“Carry-on? What the fuck is that? Carillon? Never heard of it,” said another.

These were amongst the more positive reactions to our questions. Indeed, even staff at the Carillon seemed unaware of their own presence on campus.

”The Carillon?” asked Paul Bogdan, arts and culture editor for the Carillon. “yeah, that things a piece of shit.” When informed, seemingly for the first time, that he was employed by the Carillon, Bogdan was astonished.

“Holy shit,” Bogdan said. “We’re the Carillon? Jesus, we’re just awful.”

“Kharillion?” asked Edward Dodd, opinions Editor. “Wasn’t he an Egyptian pharaoh, or something?”

“It’s clear that we’ve been failing the student body at large,” Dietrich Neu, editor-in-chief said. “We need to improve our quality of work, so – oh, I have to take this call; excuse me.”

Recently, the Carillon has been holding awareness rallies in the Administration & Humanities Building. The rallies, generally held between the hours of 12 and 2 a.m., have been marred by poor student attendance.

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