How to save money and glorify capitalism

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A person looking at a grocery haul of mostly wilted vegetables and expired, rotting food all marked as being on sale.
As any poor college student knows, best before dates are suggestions, not the law. giant_bilker0 via Pixabay, manipulated by Lee Lim

Building your riches while others stay poor 

Are you tired of living paycheque to paycheque? Are you sick of always feeling like you don’t have enough money to make ends meet? Do you dread the last week of every month, not sure if you will have enough money to both eat some food and get some gas for your vehicle? Maybe you live in fear of that ‘unforeseen expense’ that will wipe out the little savings you built up by living like a church mouse for the last year and a half.  

I wish I could empathize with you, average reader, but I am afraid I cannot. Because, you see, I am truly organized and successful in saving money and living the good life. And with a little help from me, you can improve your life, too. Simply read on, and do not forget to sign up for my newsletter! 

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Saving money? That’s impossible! I need my daily Starbucks fix, my two dozen different streaming subscriptions, and my weekly manicures!” But trust me, with a little bit of effort and some creative thinking, you can start building your savings account in no time. This country was built by people with completely unhealthy coping mechanisms, a ridiculously low level of self-awareness, and the propensity to dispense advice when none was asked for. You, too, can join this proud tradition. Come with me, dear reader! 

First and foremost, let’s talk about the biggest drain on your bank account: food. Now, current science tells us that you absolutely need food to survive, but we all know how quickly science does an about-face about everything, right? One day it’s ‘light is a wave, just look at these wave patterns here,’ and the very next century it’s ‘light is a particle, how else do you explain this thing here we just saw?’  

Mark me down as not impressed. I am not a science person. I am someone who gets things done right the first time around. The point of that being we simply do not know that we need food to survive. Sure, sometimes people starve to death, but how do we know they did not have other health concerns? 

But, I am not unreasonable, so I am not asking you to give up eating. I am just asking; do you really need to eat three meals a day? Instead, try cutting back to one meal a day. And not just any meal, either. Eat a huge dinner, and then sit in one spot and remain very still. Why, you ask? By cutting down how much work you are doing, you are really making that meal last for the next 24 hours! Repeat the next evening, and then every evening for the rest of your life. If you are feeling extreme hunger pangs and feel like crying, just take a look at your bank account with the dough piling up. That’s what I do. Better than any pizza! 

While on the topic of food, I do have second-level advice. While you are already eating just one meal a day, you can take your financial literacy to an even higher class simply by being more strategic with what you are eating for that meal. In grocery stores, steer clear of any food items that give you a little joy in life or the will to go on. Those are for people without a fat bank account. We are better than that. Head over to the aisles with the most wilted vegetables, over-ripe fruits, and bread that will expire before you can get home from the store. Most stores will mark these items down for faster sale, and that is where you will save the big bucks. Imagine, if you save $1 every time you to the grocery store, how much longer can it be before you are a billionaire? I repeat, join the proud tradition of self-made pillars of society! 

Next up on our list of money-saving tips: housing. I contend that Hollywood has driven us into completely unrealistic expectations about relationships and housing. I mean, everyone in these movies lives in an apartment with running water and heat. Surely, we are not expected to buy into such propaganda? Why spend money on a shelter from the elements when you can just live in a cardboard box? It’s cozy, compact, and won’t break the bank. Plus, you’ll get to experience the great outdoors every day, which we are told is great for your mental health. Further, living outdoors is just the natural way of things. If God wanted man to have housing, why would He put Adam and Eve in a garden – hello? 

Speaking of the great outdoors, let’s talk transportation. Instead of driving a fancy car that guzzles gas, why not just walk everywhere? It’s a fun way to get around, and it’s great for your leg muscles. Also, think of it this way: when you walk a hundred kilometers a day, you are saving both gas expenses and gym fees. Also, you will be so tired and so pressed for time that you will no longer have time to spend on those streaming subscriptions! See how it all begins to fall into place?  

Of course, if you are running late and cannot afford to walk, you can always try hitchhiking. You’ll meet interesting people and get free rides to your destination. Just make sure you bring a can of mace for safety purposes.  

Finally, let’s talk about clothing. Instead of buying new clothes every season, try wearing the same outfit every day. Sure, people might judge you, but who cares? You’ll be saving money and reducing your carbon footprint, which is all the rage these days anyway. In fact, let me share a personal observation here. If you take this advice, people usually begin to avoid you, saving you even more money that would otherwise have been wasted on social niceties like ‘getting a drink with friends.’ Who needs friends when you have money? Focus, reader. Focus on the bucks. 

In conclusion, saving money is easy if you’re willing to make a few sacrifices. Sure, you might be living in a cardboard box and be clinically categorizable as having an eating disorder, but think of all the money you’ll save in the process! Dear reader, I wish you luck in your saving aspirations. Your future self will thank you… assuming you survive the diet, the cardboard box, or being run over while walking home. I wish you luck! 

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