Fear for the Holidays


The holiday season is often filled with love, happiness, reflection, warm lights, and comfy music.  Family, friends, and fireplaces are what matters this time of year.  For the more woe begotten and capitalistic among us, consumer goods are what turns our cold, withered cranks.  No matter the specifics, this is a hopeful glimmer in the middle of winter's icy grasp.  So, thought I, why not switch it up a bit?

Allow me now to present (huh?  pun?  no?) a brief top ten list of things that scare me: Fear for the Holidays.

10)  Grasshoppers

These foul-mouthed heathens are enough to strike fear into the heart of anybody.  They jump and they are gross and I do not like them Sam I am.

9)  Heights

Admittedly, a typical contender on any Fear for the Holidays list.  What?  You were expecting gold?  Please, it's Friday afternoon, I'm bored, and I'm not even afraid of gold.

8)  Cardiac arrest (my number eight seriously made a sunny smiley?  Whatever, he's staying)

Nearly every male in my family kicks the bucket between the ages of 60-65.  The reason?  Their tickers go.  That, and freak bonnet-related accidents.  Poor Uncle Frank…

7)  Death

I don't have any religious scripture to fall back on here, folks.  Death for yours truly means becoming worm meat.  What will I do with my time?  Cease to exist, I guess.

6)  Work-a-day Life

It gives me the spooky chills whenever I think about getting stuck in a 9 to 5 job for forty years, then retiring.  AAH!  Oh, oh sorry. (…it isn't real it isn't real…)

5)  Swimming Shirtless

I'm self-conscious.  Thanks a lot, mass media and societal expectations.  That's right, liberal arts classes have taught me to externalize my problems.  See that!  I even blame liberal arts classes. 

4)  Stephen Harper

Dude didn't even smile when he sang "Sweet Caroline".  Need I say more?

3)  Sarah Palin

2)  Airplane Crash

The prospect being in a free-falling airplane frightens me.  Not so much the imminent death (that only made #7 after all), but the fact that there would be quite a sizeable number of seconds where I would know I was about to die.  Think about it, I would have to just chill out for a bit.  That brief moment in time would be not only paralyzingly scary, but flat out weird.  What do you do, scream?  Laugh?  Soil one's pants?  All of the above, probably.

1)  BEARS!

Just think of all the bears that rhyme with 'scare': Polar Bear, Grizzly Bear, Panda Bear, Black Bear, Pooh Bear, Yogi Bear, Koala Bear, Teddy Bear.  The list, frightenly, goes on.  

Now go on, comment below and tell me some of your fears.  Conversely, you could make fun of my fears, I AM NOT AFRAID OF THAT UNLESS YOU COUNT MOCKERY AS SARAH PALIN BUT YOU PROBABLY DON'T.

Happy HoliDISMAYs!

– Kent E. Peterson

Agreed.  The red text colour is obnoxious, yet festive.


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