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Good news all around

Boy, it has been such a great three months, hasn’t it? The news from all around the world has been nothing but gold-plated hit after hit after hit after hit for so long, I, for one, have completely forgotten what it’s like to feel a debilitating sense of doom! Our elected leaders have been SO responsible, empathetic, and skilled in dealing with the flood of problems facing the modern world that to have anything but a positive outlook on the future is equivalent to lunacy. For example, remember that corona thing that popped up last February? Good thing the W.H.O., the C.C.P., and the G7 are all transparent, ethical, and incorruptible organizations that have only the most humanitarian interests in mind when dealing with serious threats to global health, or Lord knows what could’ve happened! I know it’s silly, but just imagine if a bunch of morally bankrupt and criminally inept morons who valued stock prices over human life were in charge of things. Boy, if that were the case, we’d still probably be dealing with the ever-present existential threat of disease and pestilence! (hahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahha……………)

Even if that did happen, which, come on, TOTALLY never could, I bet we’d see everyone in this great society of ours step up to the plate and do everything possible to alleviate the danger. What, do you think a large segment of the population would just decide to ignore every single rule and regulation, show a blatant disregard for the personal health and safety of others, and sentence literally everyone to a constant succession of protracted lockdowns barring people from seeing their loved ones, all because they were slightly inconvenienced?! Yeah, sure, and I bet Ohio State won’t win the NCAA Basketball Championship this year, either. Come on now, just the thought that so many people could be so self-centered and entitled is enough to make me cynical during what has been objectively the best time ever to be alive. This is reality, people, not that one scene in Jaws where the mayor refuses to shut down the beach which is then attended by hundreds of people despite the presence of a literal man-eating monster for the sake of short-term profit.

Speaking of leadership, I am SO glad that Moe, Kenney, and Ford aren’t provincial premiers anymore. I mean, could you imagine if [ALMOST ANYONE ELSE] didn’t win those elections instead? I bet our vital social programs would have reached a critical level of under-funding and over-extension while the judicial system’s renewed focus on mental health and rehabilitation would have been shelved in service to corporate interests, tax breaks for the wealthy, and the fossil fuel industry. Thank God our country’s well-informed, open-minded, and socially-egalitarian voting base knew better. Honestly, though, these last few months were so completely uneventful that I am having a great deal of difficulty trying to come up with anything to write about.

Well, I guess there was that time when Hugo Boss and Volkswagen pulled out of China completely after it was revealed that local state-owned manufacturers were using forced slave-labour to produce and assemble their products. “Considering both companies have a very dark history using state-sanctioned slave labour to manufacture their goods and cut costs during the 1930s and 40s, we really shouldn’t be surprised,” said Dr. Jhinglheimer-Schmitt, Professor of Corporate History at the incorruptible Stanford University, during a rousing game of lawn darts in his spacious backyard. “I mean,” he laughed, “It’s not like they’d display an unprecedented lack of self-awareness to the media and then continue to double down on prisoner manufacturing. These are private multi-national corporations, for gosh sakes, not the mafia!”

The first months of 2021 also saw the wealth-gap hit an all-time record low as billions of people across the world were lifted out of poverty. As well, Brazil illegalized logging the Amazon Rainforest before reinvesting in nature preservation, and Vladimir Putin got peacefully overthrown in a democratic revolution before he was subsequently imprisoned in the Siberian Tundra for his countless crimes against humanity and the Russian people. And who could forget when Canada won a record number of Gold medals at the Tokyo Olympics which happened to feature no corrupt judges or controversies surrounding alleged bribes for the first time in modern history? I sure won’t. My favourite moment of all, however, was when Jeff Bezos had his gazillion dollars worth of assets seized after a federal investigation revealed his company’s systemic abuse and exploitation of warehouse employees, all on the same night as the Montreal Expos’ first major league game in 15 years. Oh yeah, and Donald Trumps unanimous impeachment in January was cool to see, too.

Uh, what else happened? I guess there was that time Hong Kong gained total independence from China during the freest election in the city’s history. Or that one week when the federal government passed a series of practical social reforms tackling the systemic discrimination of BIPOC and disabled individuals, adequate healthcare facilities to treat mental illness, further de-stigmatization of the LGBTQ+ community, and rehauling a broken criminal-justice system, all of which turned out great since the bureaucrats in charge actually allocated the proper amount of time and resources to ensure their success for once. Other than that, though, I can’t think of any other significant events, let alone those that have negatively altered the course of modern life forever. I guess our leadership, media, culture, and economic system are just too damn efficient and trustworthy for average people like you or me to complain about.

Oh well, guess I’ll go back to playing undisputed and polished digital masterpiece, Cyberpunk 2077, on my $10k PC in my affordable house while my friends and family converse face-to-face with each other in close proximity as my significant other hangs’ pictures of my 2020 graduation ceremony on the walls next to my perfect 2021 March Madness bracket before I leave my bustling neighbourhood to go to work in-person at my steady and well-paying job for which I am adequately compensated throughout my standard four day work week until I retire after a long and fulfilling career.

[Writer’s note: These past four months have completely crushed my soul and I have been left a shattered husk of what was once a human being]   

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