Bloodless coup places Riders in power



In what is being called the “Glorious Touchdown,” the Saskatchewan Roughriders declared Saturday that they now run the province.

The bloodless coup took place shortly before 2 p.m. on July 14. A green-clad and beaming Pat Fiacco, flanked by Roughrider’s chairman Roger Brandvold, made the announcement to a mixture of muted resignation and fanatical applause. Brandishing the Memorandum of Understanding, Fiacco declared that a new era was upon both Regina and Saskatchewan.

Grand Quarterback Brad Wall, flanked by a Roughrider guard, waved the new provincial flag from a balcony of the legislature, giving a new meaning to the term “Rider Nation.”

 “Once the people of Regina-Dewdney elected [former Saskatchewan Roughrider] Gene Makowsky, we knew that the time had come to make our move.” Wall said shortly after the coup. “This is what I mean by ‘the New Saskatchewan.'”

“When people elect a football player to run their province, you know they really love the Riders. So, the situation presented itself for the Sask Party to join with the Riders and we couldn’t refuse,” Wall added. Rider CEO Jim Hopson, nodding, patted Wall on the head approvingly.

Immediately after the coup, the new rulers announced that the city and province will now be going forward with a new stadium approximately a kilometre from the current stadium. The new stadium will hold approximately 30,000 people, be open-air, and cost the city and province a total of $675 million over the course of its operation. This means it will be nearly the same as the old stadium, but with a few crucial differences.

“The new stadium will be new,” Pat Fiacco commented, “and it will cost a lot of money. Money.”

“[The new stadium] will be an indication of our devotion to the Riders,” Wall added. “With this stadium, we will be able to hold all the same events as we hold now at Mosaic Stadium, but the building will be in a slightly different location.”

While it is clear that Grand Quarterback Wall and his Roughrider ministers will not be diverted from their new plans, unpatriotic doomsayers criticized the new rulers for using a new stadium to wipe away the city’s other problems notably, its crumbling infrastructure, aging water treatment plants, and pension deficit for city employees. When questioned, Fiacco scoffed.

“Those people are small-thinkers,” he said. “They think that we haven’t thought this whole stadium idea through. But we have been thinking big thoughts. Big thoughts like ‘let’s replace our stadium with an equivalent stadium’ and ‘Riders Grey Cup 2012, woo!’ We have thought this whole thing out. Now, the time for thinking is done.”

“Plus, those other perceived problems are not critical to the Rider Nation,” he added. “We can probably hold out on fixing those problems for 15 or 20 years. We need a new stadium now so that we can watch football. Football!”

“Football.” Wall agreed.

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