An open letter to Oilers fans – What the Puck?

You know you suck when you have to write your fans a letter.

You know you suck when you have to write your fans a letter.

What Daryl Katz was really trying to say

Article: Autumn McDowell – Sports Editor

Just when I thought the Oilers couldn’t possibly get any worse, they showed one more thing that they suck at: apologizing.

Last week, Oilers owner Daryl Katz wrote an open letter to fans of the struggling NHL team, apologizing, in a sense because they have been a disappointment once again this year. Although Katz’ letter was written with a sense of false hope, if you read between the lines of politically correct bullshit, this is what I believe his letter was meant to say.


To Oilers fans everywhere:


We all knew that this was going to be another terrible year for us. Another year where we didn’t turn the corner. Obviously, that happened again, and everyone saw it coming except for us, and that is what hurts the most. For all of the fans that have yet to discover any good hockey teams worth cheering for, for the players that are forced to go to work everyday in the basement and for the Edmonton community, who everyone secretly laughs at for formerly being known as the city of champions, we all share a common bond centered around this swamp donkey.

This will most definitely be the eighth season in which we do not make the playoffs, which is a really disgusting – yet not surprising – fact. The reality is that we are multiple years into a rebuild and we have seen absolutely no progress since we drafted Taylor Hall. The good news, if you can call it that, is that other teams have gone through rebuilds and found success – but they did it in much less time than we have. That doesn’t make it fun for anyone; it just means we are truly terrible.

Yes, everyone knew we wouldn’t be any better at all this year – there’s no question about that. Some say that we have been active in rebuilding our team, including hiring a new GM who was previously arrested for DUI causing death, signing free agents that no one has heard of and shipping off our only decent goalie for a 4-point-per-season player. And we’re not done.

It’s clear that we have already sacrificed our future by making these mistakes in the short-term. If we are going to rebuild, we should have started the process roughly five years ago. But, here we are.

A lot of people question the accountability of this team, and let’s be clear. We are all accountable for this dismal excuse for a team. Many people have targeted personal attacks at Kevin Lowe, and rightfully so. After all, he is the president of this sinking club. But, when it comes down to it, this is McTavish’s team. He is the one that everyone should be chasing with pitchforks. He is responsible for creating a team that can compete for a Stanley Cup – which is why he has already been fired from this team once.

That’s our vision, and we are sticking to it – though it will throw us horribly off track.

Our fans are so stupid not to have left this team a long time ago. At the same time, we are asking you to hang in there, as Sam Reinhart and Conner McDavid are supposed to be really good.

I’ll tell you this, despite being in second-last place in the entire league, people surprisingly still wear their Oilers colours, even though we will never be back on top.

We value our idiotic fans, we know how awful you think we are, and we appreciate that you still allow us all to be filthy rich despite always being at the bottom of the standings.

Started at the bottom, and we’re still there.

Autumn McDowell as Daryl Katz.

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  1. Czernobog 1 February, 2014 at 17:47

    You nailed it right on the head. I am/was/maybe will be again someday a Oiler fan who has stopped paying attention to them for the remainder of this season with the exception of trades and firings. I will watch the first 20 games of next season, and if they suck dead donkey penis as badly as they did at the beginning of this season, I will totally disregard everything that has to do with that team until wholesale changes are made in coaching and management. This team makes the Harold Ballard teams of the past look absolutely freakin’ spectacular.

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