Toupee business skyrocketing with current elections


HumorAuthor: jae won hur – op-ed editor

The current campaigns within Canada and the United States are having a profound effect on the fake hair industry. With notable politicians such as Stephen Harper and Donald Trump endorsing the industry, businesses have seen insurmountable profits.

“I am literally bathing in money. You may think I am exaggerating when I say this, but I’m not. I get home, get out of my Aston Martin, and throw hundreds in my tub and I sit in it,” states Art Vandelay, the CEO of Vandelay Industries, a company that makes male toupees.

“My sales in Canada and the United States have gone up 3000%. People with actual hair are even buying our toupees because they want to ‘make America great again’ or ‘want to incorporate a more robotic look.’”

Companies like Vandelay Industries have been in the black for the last 10 years with Harper’s rise to power. Once a company on the verge of bankruptcy, Vandelay surged in the markets with Harper’s dominance in Canadian politics.

“Wearing a toupee carried around social stigmas that made people hesitant to buy our products,” Vandelay states, as he lights up a Cuban cigar and pours a glass of scotch that seems to be much too expensive. “But, for the last 10 years, that stigma has shifted. If the Prime Minister of Canada wears a toupee, why can’t others wear one, as well, and look stunning?”

When we reached out to the Harper camp for a comment, Harper’s campaign responded with, “Beep-bop, I’m a robot. I mean, calibrating 0101010101, Prime Minister Harper’s hair is majestic, just like the free market economy hinging on privatizing the world. We fully intend to eliminate corporate taxes for great companies such as Vandelay for Canadians to succeed. Beep-Bop.”

When Vandelay was asked about Trump, he stated with a big smile on his face that bordered creepy.

“If I had to pick the three greatest moments of my entire life, they would be these, in this order: my wedding day, my son’s birth, and the moment I saw that Donald Trump was leading the Republican polls. I thought Harper was my angel; I didn’t see this one coming. Trump’s fandom has been a jackpot and more. I owe that man my everything.”

When the Trump campaign was asked to comment, they simply remarked – “China”.

Vandelay Industries has great ambitions and success in its sights.

“We are targeting other old politicians as potential marketing opportunities for our company. We are hoping Scott Walker is balder by the time 2020 rolls around. We are looking at speaking to Bernie Sanders to start wearing a toupee. We are looking at expanding into women’s toupee for Hillary, and a matching younger and sleeker model for Chelsea. Finally, our business holy grail and dream is the day that Justin Trudeau loses all his hair,” he states with great ambition in his eyes.

“But, for now, he’s just not ready,” states Vandelay, as he lights another cigar.

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