Top five drugged out athletes


From alcohol to sex, athletes are addicted

Braden Dupuis
Sports Writer

Thanks to world-renowned journalist and relentless truth seeker Oprah Winfrey, the world has finally seen the true face of Lance Armstrong.

 But, while the – totally shocking – revelations about Armstrong’s drug use are certainly among the most high profile of such scandals, Armstrong is far from the first athlete to get caught with his proverbial (or literal, in the case of Tiger Woods) pants down.

Here now is a look at five athletes who just don’t know when to say no.

5.  Jon Montgomery

If you’re among those who consider alcohol to be a drug, you’ll have no arguments with this list’s first installment.

The patriotic Canadian is famous for winning the skeleton-racing gold at the Vancouver Olympics in 2010, but perhaps even more famous for his victory march though the Olympic Village afterwards, during which he sang O’ Canada at the top of his lungs and chugged beer from a 128oz pitcher – or as we call it here in Canada, Wednesday.

4. Michael Phelps

In London this past summer, Phelps became the United States’ most decorated Olympic athlete of all time when he won his 22nd Olympic medal.

Many people wonder what the 27-year-old’s secret is, but if they had been paying attention they might have got a whiff of it in 2009, when Phelps was famously photographed putting his aqua-lungs to work on an old fashioned American-made bong.

Despite some initial outrage from people with no life experience and too much time, Phelps made amends with his record-setting performance at the London Olympics.

He is now retired, and likely spends his days smoking blunts on top of a pile of gold medals and crisp $100 bills. USA! USA!

3. Barry Bonds

Being that Lance Armstrong already did it much better than anyone else possibly could, I told myself I was going to stay away from performance-enhancing drugs when compiling this list. But Barry Bonds is just too ridiculous to leave out.

Compare Bonds’ rookie season with the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1986 – when at 185lbs, he resembled an athletic Eddie Murphy – to 2001 when he broke the Major League Baseball home run record. At 228lbs, he looked more like a puffed-out professional wrestler than a Beverly Hills Cop.

Some say an asterisk should be placed by Bonds’ record, but being that he’s now probably got the erection capabilities of a soggy throw rug, I’d say karma has done her bit.

2. Tiger Woods

According to some of the world’s top psychologists, sex addiction is a real thing and not just a term used by rich perverts to explain away their boners.

And, if people can get addicted to sex, it then logically follows that sex itself is a drug. Seeing as how one good logic-jump deserves another, we can now safely assert that Tiger Woods is a raging, fiending drug-addict who just can’t say no to the sweet, sweet drug that is every prostitute in the United States of America.

1. Theo Fleury

If this is a list of athletic excesses, there is simply no other choice for the top spot than former Calgary Flames forward, Theoren Fleury.

During his near two-decade career in the National Hockey League, Fleury tore it up like nobody ever had before, and possibly ever will. The guy would spend all night snorting lines off of strippers’ buttcracks and then go to the rink and score a hat trick. He was in and out of rehab more than the bastard offspring of Robert Downey Jr. and Lindsay Lohan.

Unfortunately, Fleury’s epic indulgences were the result of some pretty heavy abuse at the hands of notorious piece-of-shit Graham James, and are nothing to be made light of. If I had to go through what Fleury went through I’d be addicted to drugs too.

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1 comment

  1. Mybumhair22 19 July, 2014 at 00:33

    You are a regert. Which is the last topic we were on before this. You make the internet sad.
    Hi from Lake Louise!

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