Science proves the merits of textbooks

Author: The Carillon Chief Science Correspondent

After a couple months of hiatus, the Carillon Chief Science Correspondent is back with incredible, groundbreaking news for the students.

“Upon shady scientific research sponsored by anonymous universities around the world, science has determined that the purchasing, maintaining, and reselling of textbooks is actually an incredible, economically sound and smart venture,” says textbook mogul Tom McGraw-Hill while getting into his Mercedes-Benz. “Economically, it is the best deal for everyone. Students get to spend literally all the hard-earned money they saved through the summer doing their minimum wage jobs and I get to roll around in cash.” McGraw Hill adds, “It teaches students much-needed discipline to budget their money and work hard.”

The study also proves that changing the required text to a different edition every few years – even though all the material is exactly the same, just with slightly different review questions – is completely ethically sound.

McGraw Hill adds, “Just think how amazing it will be to have a fresh, new, and minty hardcover textbook.”

The experiments also show that textbooks have unbelievable health benefits. The expensive, unnecessary, hardcover books have been deemed to be the best way to relieve stress in times of turmoil, as hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with the hardcover textbooks beyond recognition was revealed to be the best stress reliever for the students. In addition, the incredible weight of the textbooks was shown to have great benefits for the students’ backs as they haul the heavy books across campus.

The study was well-received by many around the University. The administration states that they look forward to undersupplying textbooks so that some students cannot get the book they need, because more stress is good for students.

“We feel that undersupplying textbooks is a great way to teach the students how valuable textbooks really are. If they don’t have the textbooks they need to pass the class, they will appreciate the ones they have to pay for even more.”

In addition, the University asserted that they will maintain the textbook prices where they currently are – extremely high.

As for the new layout of the bookstore, the University admin stated, “We are very excited about the new sorting system for the bookstore. Our job as university admins is to make lives just that much harder for students. As students are stressing about their incredibly expensive textbooks, their stress will be exacerbated just that much because they will be ripping their hair out looking for their textbooks.

In closing, the study and the administration maintained that half the textbooks that students buy will be unnecessary. In fact, the University’s professors have been instructed to go against the contents of the textbooks so that students may need to buy more supplemental textbooks from the bookstore.

“Textbooks are a win-win for students,” says university administrator. “We make lives that much more miserable for students while we earn that cash.”