A comparison between the Air Canada Security Video and real life
Author: John Loeppky
Air Canada Security Video – A Truthful Comparison
We are pleased to invite you aboard Air Canada. Your safety and comfort are important to us. We ask for your attention as we outline the safety features of this aircraft.
We are pleased that you have ignored our exorbitant prices and chosen Air Canada. Please pay attention as we outline what could be a part of your obituary.
In preparation for takeoff you should be comfortably seated with your chair back straight and tray table stowed. Fasten your seatbelt and adjust it around your hips.
Fasten your seatbelt around your skinny hips (eat something),
Or your fat hips (no in-flight snacks for you).
We require the use of your seatbelt at all times while you are in your seat.
We are supposed to require the use of your seatbelt at all times,
But if we can’t see it under your stomach, we are not going searching.
Should you be away from your seat when the seatbelt sign lights up, an announcement prompting you to return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt will be made.
Should you be away from your seat when the seatbelt sign lights up, an announcement prompting you to return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt will be made. Don’t hurry, we like to see people fall during turbulence.
Please check with a crewmember before using any electronic device.
Please check with a crewmember only if you are dying.
If there is a need to evacuate a seat mounted lighting system will guide you to the nearest emergency exit.
If there is a need to evacuate, it is every man for himself.
The illustrated card in front of you describes the many safety features of this aircraft, and it should be reviewed prior to take off.
The illustrated card in front of you describes the many elements of this aircraft that may malfunction when they are most needed.
During the flight, if the cabin pressure changes, an oxygen mask will drop automatically from the panel above you. Remain seated, pull the mask towards you, use the support strap to hold the mask above your mouth and nose, and adjust accordingly, breath normally.
During the flight, if the cabin pressure changes, an oxygen mask will drop automatically from the panel above you and will remain there while you choke and try desperately not to think about your impending doom.
In the unlikely event of a landing on water, retrieve the life vest from the pouch under your seat, below your armrest, place the life vest over your head, fasten the waist clip, and tighten the belt.
In the unlikely event that this Boeing goes surfing, enjoy the tropical experience before you drown.
Thank you for choosing Air Canada your security is our top priority we hope you enjoy the flight.
We are continually confused as to why you choose Air Canada, but thanks for helping our cheques clear.