Op-Ed Roundtable

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[3A]volvo_trucks_van_damme_epic_split

Participants: Shaadie Musleh, Kyle Leitch, Farron Ager, Liam Fitz-Gerald, Paige Kreutzwieser

How many people did you trample/stab to get those sweet, sweet deals at Black Friday?

Shaadie: None, thank you. That sounds like a venereal disease. Excuse me while I go aggressively shop for no apparent reason. #GotPunchedInTheFace #HesNotPrettyNoMore

Kyle: None. I trampled the weak and hurdled the dead on Amazon. There was less of a chance of my dying/killing the animals that inhabit retail stores on Black Friday.

Farron: Well, with Cyber Monday a couple days after Black Friday, the only trampling/stabbing I do is just another regular Friday night for me.  Seriously, if you got a problem, I can take of it. Just make sure you buy me a new pair of gloves each time.

Liam: None actually. I didn’t go to Black Friday this year. The thought of dealing with crazy mobs of people, screaming and crying kids, unhappy and grumpy shoppers and store staff (I particularly sympathize with staff at these places this time of year) was enough to make this guy look elsewhere for Christmas gifts. I do hope my friends and family like Tim Horton’s gift cards!

Paige: Well since I am a student Black Friday really wasn’t in my agenda seeing as I am broke. Saying that, however, I did spend way too much money at the liquor board on Friday. I now realize that they had zero Black Friday deals. I feel ripped off.

Target Canada has decided to not play Christmas music in its stores. How outraged are you?

Shaadie: I honestly don’t care. And it’s not that I lack the Christmas spirit or capitalist drive, I just don’t care what Target does. Autumn wishes the south end got Target. #QuietRiot #MuzakLikeInAnElevator

Kyle: Outraged? Target Canada has become my new favourite place on Earth.

Farron: I really don’t care for Christmas music, but I don’t really care for Target either. You know what would get me in stores to shop? I want some Hanukkah and Kwanzaa music.  That would be worlds better than I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

Liam: Meh. We hear Christmas music in so many other places that it really doesn’t matter. If someone is that upset about Christmas songs not being played at Target, they can go home and YouTube Christmas songs! Better yet, we could pretend we’re shopping at Target while at home and listen to Christmas music at the exact same time. Maybe you could make it a sexy game with your significant other called Target Shopping!  “Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!”

Paige: Wow. Christmas music is the best. Not only is this world becoming over sensitive about too many things, it is also going to start missing out on hearing the Feliz Navidad song on repeat. Sad times are upon us.

A professor from the University of Waterloo is saying today’s generation of young people are poorer than their parents, even when difference of education are taken into account. In other news, how’s that ramen tasting?

Shaadie: Self-righteous prick. How dare he state the obvious? My shattered dreams lie broken on the floor crushed by the reality of what this sad asshole had to tell me today. Sad face. #Drama

Kyle: Well, I suppose my parents won’t mind if I crash on the couch for the next…forty years or so.

Farron: I tell you how it is after I’m finished begging at the junction between Adhum and the Library. It’s gotten to the point that I will proofread your work for food and give you a nuanced critique for a drink.

Liam: That stuff tastes fine! However, what we should keep in mind is that many of us still have our whole lives ahead of us. I think we have to just stay optimistic, patient and start taking action. Things might not be so hot now, but give it some time, things could get better. It may suck for some of us now, but just remember, things can get better.

Paige: Oriental flavour is the best.

McMaster University’s President lost a best to our very own Vianne Timmons regarding who would win the Grey Cup. Is U of R the best or what?

Shaadie: Did he give us a million bucks to pay for the new signs? Wait a second, what did they do with the old sign? I keep missing the fucking turn. I hope the new sign is twice as big. Someone should put a petition together. #LookingAtYouURSU #Defeated

Kyle: The U of R is better than McMaster. But that’s like saying stepping in dog shit is better than stepping in elephant shit simply because there’s less of it.

Farron: That’s just swell. We can count it among other achievements like our MacLean’s university ranking or how close we were to kicking out our President. The U of R is really the best and don’t you forget it.

Liam: Oh absolutely. The U of R is so good that it can spend one million dollars on a brand new sign. Wow! Not only that, it’s a great place to study for an Arts degree, pay increasing tuition for said degree, and have little to no choice for courses. Yup, we’re the best with a capital B!

Paige: Look at you go, Vianne. I really hope the wager was a million dollars since we kind of have a big tab to pay for that new sign.

Lastly, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Volvo teamed up to create a viral video called “The Epic Split.” How badly do you want to go buy a Volvo truck now?

Shaadie: Not at all. But I do really want to do the splits between two semi’s now.  Only thing better would have been Van Damme round house kicking that semi into the nether-verse.  Your move Norris…Your move. #FightMeIRL

Kyle: I have four on order as we speak. I was told that if I ordered five, Jean Claude would place a personalized roundhouse kick on a person of my choosing, but it was just out of my price range.

Farron: JCVD will always have my respect. But now he has to step up his game. I’m thinking if he were to do epic splits between, say, fighter jets, I’m fairly certain that he would ascend to Heaven with a truly Herculean effort.

Liam: Well, seeing as how our generation is poorer than our parents, I’m never going to be able to afford a Volvo truck. In fact, as automobiles get pricier and more unaffordable we may have to downsize a little more. I propose we start riding donkeys wherever we are going to save money on gas. For all you entrepreneurs out there, shit on the road will become increasingly more common. I smell an opportunity here! As Fruit Loops’ Toucan Sam once said “just follow your nose!”

Paige: That commercial is spectacular. But what is even more spectacular is the edited Rob Ford version. Jean-Claude has nothing on Toronto’s mayor.

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