News anchor angry as hell and equally vague

With gas prices what they are, one often wonders if owners of these huge trucks are questioning their life choices. Greg Gjerdingnen via Flickr

Dog Newz correspondent writes satiric propaganda about nothing that makes any sense

by adam baker-smith, contributor

The modern highway is the place where most hard-working citizens spend their early mornings and late afternoons. Once it was a place of peace, where the average American could contemplate their lives and be proud of a hard day’s work. When our grandfathers were caring for our families, the road was populated by Beetles, Plymouths, and the simple pickup truck. Society as a whole was able to once enjoy a commute, whether it was to work, the store, or even simply to a friend’s home. Nowadays such an idea is completely unheard of, and you may be asking yourself what so many before have already asked: why?

The answer is simple, folks. Modern vehicle design is killing America. Yes, it’s true. Whether it’s Ford, Dodge, or even a foreign company like Mercedes, the new design model that is perverting our society is anti-American, anti-patriotism, and anti-you.

It wasn’t long ago – back when men were men and we were proud to stand for the anthem – that our vehicles and our highways were places of respite. But now you, just as every other American, suffer from a constant stream of oversized behemoth vehicles that take up the entirety of the roadway with their mere presence. Tell me, my fellow Americans, why on earth do we stand by and let these tyrannical despots, these automotive authoritarians, those gasoline-guzzling gestapos ruin the sacred tranquility that comes with our daily commutes? Is it because we, as a society, are failing? Is America finally crumbling due to our own apathies?

I say no, this is not a failure on our part. We as citizens demand that our government protect us from foreign threats to our safety and well-being, so why do they not also protect us from the domestic terrorism that is the Dodge 3500? The answer is simple, folks. The Coward-In-Chief Joe Biden is obviously beholden to Big-Automotives.

Now, you might be wondering how modern vehicle design is truly beginning to destroy the foundations of our once great country, and the answer is simple. Where once a red-blooded American’s commute would have been an opportunity to reflect and to appreciate the beautiful land we call home, it is now filled with stress. Our drives are a constant battle against the automotive overlords to simply stay alive.

No longer do you get the simple pleasure of a quiet drive to or from. No, now you must be in rigorous competition with the whirling death-traps that plague you from all sides. You have had yet another right stripped from you as a result of the automotive and corporate pandering that has pervaded the entirety of the Biden administration. Do you truly think that it is merely a coincidence that the thing used to transport the president from one lie-filled conference to another is the largest and statistically most dangerous piece of equipment ever known to man? Think again.

My fellow Americans, now more than ever we must band together to fight against the destruction of yet another proud American way of life. With your donations, Dog Newz will begin that fight, but it is up to you, the citizen, to continue it. In your homes, in your streets, and in the upcoming elections. Stand with us, and together we can begin to put this once great country back on the road.


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