Humans need not apply

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The real drivers of our economy. Death to humans!/ MF

The real drivers of our economy. Death to humans!/ MF

Get to the economy of the future by eliminating humans!

Author: Derek Cameron

In an unsurprising move, Stephen Harper’s Conservative government has abolished the current constitution. Harper stated in his parliamentary address that, “in these new and exciting times, it is clear that business must take the forefront of society; we must stop catering to basic human needs.”

The new constitution proposed by Harper would henceforth define humans as a means of transferring cash from one corporate entity to another. The preamble, written by Harper himself, states that “humans are merely the middlemen of this intense economic market, and it is clear that to have an effective economy we should be doing all we can to abolish humanity.” Because of this basic assertion, universal rights and responsibilities are defined in corporate terms, such as the right to obscene profits.

Economists whole-heartedly praise the idea, especially being taken with the plan to abolish classic humanity within the next five years.

“We have been waiting for this a long time; markets are only as unsteady as what they are founded on. Humans are prodigiously unsteady; wars especially have a profound impact on markets. It would make the jobs of corporations infinitely more efficient if we did away with the human condition,” said senior McGill University economist Friedrich Friedman.

Harper’s plan includes a gradual phase-out of those deemed to lead non-essential lives. Senior government sources allege that since humanity is a major stumbling block when it comes to creating a perfect economy, Harper’s insightful plan would allow complete corporate domination of markets without social intervention.

You may ask why the question of humanity’s place in the economy hasn’t ever been raised. Until now, we really have had no alternative. Enter robotics. Owing to the creation of fully functional robots, we have done away with humanity’s penchant for irrationality.

“Robots are twice as productive as humans, and businesses can manipulate them to occupy the same niche as humans do now. It’s simple enough to adjust their consumption levels. Now supply and demand can be harnessed to maximum effect, without all that silly guesswork humans demanded.” said leading robot designer Zach Asimov.

Recent protests organized by humans residing in Canada have shown just how devastating humans are to economy, with Statistics Harper showing that the impact of these two weeks of protest has caused an almost 50 per cent decrease in the profits of most major companies. With statistics like those, it is hard to even imagine why corporations allowed humans to participate in this transcendent structure called the economy.

“No one in their right mind can argue for the continued existence of humans, they can be phased out for a better substitute, with a better record, that’s what we are trying to do here,” argued Harper.

This newspaper for one applauds Harper’s forward thinking. In these exciting times, it’s comforting to know our economy is in good hands. Humanity must exit the machine it has perfected. Your work here is done, humanity; time to make your exit.

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