FIVE: things to get you through the semester


If you’re like most students, right now you’re in the midst of getting your term papers and presentations together. And you’re probably fighting the temptation to abandon them, get NPs in every class, and just find a way to eat Doritos for a living. But don’t despair. We can do this.

Portioning your time

It’s hard to admit, but the truth is that having your browser open while you write does you no good. It’s more fun, yeah, but your work’s going to be a lot better if you don’t break concentration every minute. You’re much better off writing solidly for 20 minutes, then taking a five-minute break for Facebook or Reddit or making fun of Reddit on Facebook.

Winter break

This semester’s going to be over before you realize it, which isn’t as scary as it might seem in the short-term. Papers can consume you, but then they go away. And then you’re left with nothing but the relative bliss of hot cocoa and sleeping in late. Not that the upcoming holidays aren’t without their tribulations, as we all learned from Four Christmases.


Coffee is the lifeblood of the stressed student, whether it be a venti eggnog latté or just microwaved instant and maple syrup (a cocktail known as a “Carillon”). Of course, too much caffeine will leave your mind sailing freely through space with your paper’s Word document reading, in its entirety, “HANDS.” You have to find that balance.


Conventional wisdom is that drinking’s nothing to worry about until you find yourself drinking alone. Luckily, Google Scholar counts as a person. So feel free to break out the Tundra Ice or whatever else relaxes you enough to let you get to work. Sure, maybe booze is an unhealthy crutch, but so is an arts degree.

The knowledge that you’re doomed anyway

Face it. Jobs are hard to come by right now, even for those with MBAs, and most students are driving themselves into insurmountable debt trying to get them. So fuck it. Hit “save” and Turnitin as-is. You’ll be headed into that void of debt and joblessness with an 80 as fast as with a 70. And it’s probably really fun to work at Canadian Tire forever.

Mason Pitzel
Production Manager

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