Don’t feel bad, Dick



Article: John Loeppky – Contributor

I write this in honour of Dick Cheney. Recently, he revealed that he had, at one point, tasked his doctor with disabling the wireless function on his pacemaker. You know, in case the “terrirists” (spelt the George Bush way) hacked into his pacemaker. What would they do? He already sent himself on a “hunting accident”.

And so we have a list of things that should (for hilarity’s sake) be hacked into. Cue the theme for The Matrix:

The Prime Minister’s Twitter Account

Just spoke to my wigmaker. Going to wear a red one for the throne speech this year. #allhailtheredheads You jealous @mulcair?

@thepontif Hey I just met you/ and this is crazy/ Steve’s my name/ pray for maybe?

12 Angry Socialists #badmovietitles @NDP

Don’t you just hate when your dog and your senate act the same. #shiteverywhere

Just re-watching my election win, eating chocolate, and drinking martinis. #allthefeels

How come when I show up @agribition they all throw shit at me? I now know how you feel @paulmcallum

Do you think if I drove a Prius BC people would like me more? @ElizabethMay

Error 404: The democracy you were looking for was not found.

Travis Henry’s Voicemail

Here is the replacement for the voicemail of Mr. Travis Henry, a former NFL running back who has fathered 11 children by 10 different women:

If you are the mother of one of my children, press the number that your child is in the order of their birth. If you can’t remember you don’t get child support. If you are someone who enforces the law and is looking for said child support, can you lend me $190,000, I’ll pay you back next year. If you added to my status as a laughing stock by producing another son of a former semi-mediocre NFL running back, I don’t want to know. Lastly, if you are trying to reach me otherwise: help meeeeeee, I’m broke.

The German Chancellor’s Cellphone

Oh wait…

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