Dear Santa


Sports fans Christmas list

What the Puck?
Autumn McDowell

Sports Editor

It’s Christmas, everyone, the season of perpetual hope – unless you’re a hockey fan.

Since it’s incredibly obvious that my wish to get NHL hockey for Christmas won’t come true – Santa must be a soccer fan and decided to put me on the naughty list this year – I have come up with a few suggestions if anyone is looking for a last minute gift idea for me.

This one just came to me off the top of my head, and I know many people are probably asking for the same thing, but if possible, I would like one free punch to NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman’s, face without any repercussions.

But, since he is probably unavailable because he’s been working so hard on negotiations these days – not – then a dartboard with his picture on it would also be much appreciated and would look great in my office.

Next on my list would be lessons on how to stop on skates; however, I think I best get a few lessons from Philadelphia Flyers forward Scott Hartnell, “Hartnell down” himself, on how to properly take a fall.

If you can’t get the real thing, then I would quite enjoy one of those orange “Hartnell down” t-shirts, or a helmet for safety’s sake so I don’t crack my head open while trying to stop.

I would also like it if someone would arrange for a catching competition between myself and Saskatchewan Roughriders receiver Chris Getzlaf to see who can catch the most passes out of 10. I’ll even spot him nine.

Firing Getzlaf would be the next best thing if he doesn’t agree to the catching competition.

Oh, and another thing. I would like to take anyone who ever thought that NBC’s hockey analyst Pierre McGuire should be the General Manager for the Montreal Canadians, lock them in a room with McGuire for 10 minutes and see who still thinks he should be the GM after having lived that hellish nightmare.

I would also be interested to see how many people had ripped their ears off after being forced to listen to him for that long, and out of the ones who hadn’t, how many of them were deaf to begin with because that would be an impossible feat and everyone would be dumber for having listened to him.  

This last gift idea I have is a little outlandish. In fact, I’m not sure if it even exists. But, if there is such a thing as a Christmas miracle, then I would like a copy of the world’s most exciting soccer game ever. Conditions are that the score has to be over 1-0.     I know; I don’t even know why I’m getting my hopes up for this ultra-rare item.

So, if and when you can’t find an exciting soccer game, I guess a handsome soccer player would be acceptable – nobody ought to be alone on Christmas. Plus, I need someone to take to these damn Christmas parties so I’m not the loser standing by themselves in a picture with all the other happy couples – again.

Waking up on Christmas morning to see any or all of these gifts under the tree would restore my faith in Santa – whom it’s possible I saw having a smoke behind the mall today – I know that probably wasn’t the real Santa, but he still works for him. Right?

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