Abortion restriction takes for Freedumbies

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Just in case it wasn’t clear by now, we know that “what about the children” is your refrain, and is nowhere in your legitimate response. Gayatri Malhotra via Unsplash

Nothing quite like a freedom-fighter to tell you you’re wrong

A common refrain in Canada, spoken with emotion as heartfelt as some recite the anthem, is “at least we’re not as bad as America.” Now, while we at the Carillon staunchly believe that simply attempting to be better than America places the bar despondently low, in the spirit of objective journalism we decided to interview some locals on their opinions. A group by the name of “The Freedumbies” from Lake Muchleft T’bedesired was contacted, and agreed to a group interview.

Questions were primarily centered around the recent overturning of Roe v. Wade by the Supreme Court in the US. Being a teacher, pro-life supporter Ilene Wayright believes it essential that children are protected. “What most people don’t take seriously enough,” she claimed, “is that children really are the future. You don’t know which baby might be the one to cure cancer, to solve global warming, and to end their life just because the pregnancy isn’t convenient for you is one of the most truly selfish acts.” Wayright was not interested in commenting on the five DUIs she has on record – four of which occurred in the same Cathedral area school zone where she teaches – or on her decision to disown and dishome her 15-year-old child last June when they came out as non-binary.

The founder of “The Freedumbies,” Chris T. Weeps, referenced a recent tweet by his favourite twitter account @CanDayConvoy that went out at 5:31 p.m. on June 24, 2022, and he said sums his approach better than he ever could: “Abortion is MURDER. If you support abortion, you will burn in hell for all eternity. Praise God for the righteous judges in the Supreme Court of the United States of America. God Bless!” Weeps was unable to grasp the irony of the convoy carrying the name “Freedom,” despite the inherently anti-choice base of this legislative decision. Perhaps “Freedick” would be a better title for a group that perfectly fills the Venn diagram of incels and fundamentalist evangelical Christians.

“Playing God is one of the most dangerous gambles you can engage in,” stated the constituency’s MP, Jim Inycrickets. “It’s not up to us to decide who lives or who dies, who gets a chance at this crazy thing called life, or what that life looks like. We get the bodies we get and they do what they’re meant to do – God made each of us perfect and we are not to interfere. What’s important is that we learn how to band together as a community, to make sure everyone has the best possible chance in their life, and that we take this example seriously and realize the power an organized group of people can have.” Inycrickets vehemently refused to engage with questions on how his use of hair plugs, bifocals, Viagra, or a quintuple bypass surgery could be framed as choosing what his body should do and who should live or die.

Yugoda B. Kiddingme, Chief of Police in Lake Muchleft T’bedesired, backed Wayright’s concerns with the added perspective that this is a matter of integrity. “My pastor always says when he’s talking about evangelizing, he says, ‘If you saw someone about to be hit by a truck, would you let them get hit or try to save their life?’ It’s the same in this situation – we’re just trying to save as many lives as we can in our short time here. A surefire way to damn your soul is allowing life to be destroyed, especially when you created it.” Kiddingme had no professional or personal comments to make when asked about the decision of Uvalde law enforcement to allow a gunman with an AR-15 at the 22nd American school shooting this year to obliterate 19 children while they tackled, pepper sprayed, and handcuffed the parents of the children being slaughtered.

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