A night at the Notscars


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The movies that really should be getting awards

Paul Bogdan, Kyle Leitch, Edward Dodd

It’s everyone’s favourite time of year to make a super big deal about something they probably won’t even watch because it’s actually pretty damn boring. That’s right, it’s time for the Oscars. Every news outlet seems to have their predictions out, and we at the Carillon have made a list of the most award-worthy films of the past year. /PB

Best Disappearing Act in Hollywood: Rick Moranis
Seriously, what the hell happened here? It seemed like only yesterday that we had Dark Helmet and Vinz Clortho. But those are fast-fading memories of one of the most underrated comedians of all time. We miss you, Rick. /KL

Most Anticipated Film of 2014: Arrested Development
Does anyone else find it kind of ironic that, as a lead up to the feature-length film, the next season of Arrested Development is going to be released exclusively on Netflix this year? /KL

Best Crazy Lady: Helena Bonham Carter
Helena Bonham Carter wins the award for her role in Les Miserables by playing the only character she seemingly knows how: in this case, Mme. Thénardier, but more generally, an insane and aloof female supporting role. You won your award; go do something else. /PB

Best Foreign Actor: Tom Hardy
What? This dude was actually speaking English? /KL

Best Beard: Christoph Waltz
This is more of a sentient being than an actual beard. /KL

Most Desperate for an Award: Daniel Day Lewis
We get it, man. The Academy loves tragic historical figures. Take your statue and sit quietly while the grown-ups talk now. /KL

Most Bad Movies Contained in One: Movie 43
This is as close to the Oscars as this thing’s ever going to get. /KL

Longest Time Between First & Last Film in a Franchise: Die Hard (1988-2013)
If John McClane doesn’t die in this one, we riot. /KL

A Throwaway Oscar for Quentin Tarantino: Ben Affleck
Oh goddammit. /KL

We’re Sick of This Zombie Shit: Warm Bodies
Seriously, can we move on from the zombie genre now? Pretty please? /KL

Best Crossover Potential: Hotel Transylvania & Twilight
A close second was Anna Karenina and Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. /KL

Best Original Screenplay: Zero Dark Thirty & Django Unchained (tie)
Trololololol. /KL

Worst Parenting: Mama (from Mama)
Killing folks, terrorizing homes, and being a general nuisance – this movie is the living embodiment of in-laws. /KL

Best Remake: Battleship
This was a difficult decision, as we weren’t sure that Battleship constituted what we would call a “movie,” but we’ve been assured it did run in movie theatres. Remaking our childhood board game into something people would willingly pay money to watch is no mean feat. /ED

Best Superhero Movie: Lincoln
Suck it, Evil Dr. Slavery. /PB

Best Documentary: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
48 frames/second breaks the barrier between looking like you’re actually there and literally having Gandalf slay goblins right in front of you. /PB

Most so-Raven movie: The Raven
This’s pretty Raven. /PB

Biggest Lie in Film: We Have a Pope

Best Depiction of Religion: The Devil Inside
I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I see a good depiction of Lord Satan on screen. /KL

Arts Radar Feb. 14 – 28

Feb. 15
Pass the Hat
The Club
Doors at 8

Feb. 16
Rah Rah w/Dan Crozier
The Mercury
$10 at the door
Doors at 8

Chic Gamine
The Artesian
$15 adv/$20 door
Doors at 7

Enslaved, Pallbearer, Ancient VVisdom, and Royal Thunder
The Exchange
$20 advance
Doors at 7

Feb. 21
JJ Voss w/Shandee Noble
The Artful Dodger
$10 adv/$15 door
Show at 8

Feb. 22
Sarah Slean
The Artesian
$32 adv/$37 door
Doors at 7

Justin Rutledge
The Exchange
$15 advance
Doors at 8

Feb. 23
Lunacy, This Dog Must Die, and Electric Mother
The Exchange
$10 advance
Doors at 8
Contaminate, Backlash, Rebuild/Repair, and FPG
The Exchange
$10 at the door
Doors at 8

Feb. 26
Cécile Doo-Klingué
Creative City Centre
$10 at the door
Doors at 7:30

Feb. 27
Zachary Lucky w/Danny Goertz
The Club
$10 at the door
Doors at 7:30

Photo courtesy of mashable.com

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