Are you wondering how bright your future will be? Find out by looking at your horoscopes.
thevil one
horoscopes master
Disclaimer: If sarcasm doesn’t happen to be your strong suit, the writer in question is being sarcastic.
How many of you believe in your zodiac signs? Whatever the answer is, the Carillon now provides free horoscopes for you in our paper! Obviously, an expert (me) is writing this.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You will have a cat who doesn’t seem to like you very much. The cat will always scratch you, hiss at you, and run to the other side of the room whenever they see you. One day, your cat will walk out on you. Later, you will find out that your cat started a new life in Guatapé.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): You will wake up one morning this October with a laptop on, only to realize you never turned in an assignment at 11:59 p.m.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): As you make your breakfast on a Monday, your bread will come out burnt, your milk will be sour, and your significant other will break up with you. If you happen to be single (couldn’t be me), don’t worry, your bad luck will triple and you won’t get any sleep tonight.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): Your toddler stomps won’t get you anywhere. In the middle of the night, you will walk over to the Riddell Centre parking lot, and as you try to back your car out, you will crash into another car.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): You will have a beautiful life, with a mansion and a swimming pool. You will be happy and have a beautiful family. Then, you will hear strange sounds. The lamp starts to look a bit weird. Oh, right, the alarm goes off.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Unfortunately, you will make a poor choice by NOT picking up the Carillon today. The vultures will witness that and take you with them as their delicious food. Karma hits back.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): You will be in class, and your professor won’t post the notes. You will see an important slide and lift up your phone to take a picture. As you go to hit the camera button, your flash will go off.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): You will be wearing your favourite outfit. You will feel confident and happy. Then, a child will look at you funny and ridicule your style.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): You will be tired and super excited to hit the bed tonight. You will get cozy, but you won’t be able to find comfort. You won’t find the cold side of your pillow and the warmth won’t let you sleep. Another sleepless night it is…
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): You will be walking towards your usual class, but when you get to your lecture hall, you will find it empty. You will wait and wait and wait. Nobody will show up. You will text your friend— who happens to be your classmate — in a panic and realize your class was cancelled today.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): You will be giving a presentation in front of your entire class. You will have some technical difficulties, and in the middle of the presentation, you will accidentally open your photos app. It won’t be a nice picture, to your dismay.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): You will come into the university and try to find a parking spot. You will find a public parking spot. You will go to pay, and the app will malfunction. You will try again and again, but every attempt will fail. Eventually, one of the payments will go through. Later that day, you will check your bank account, and you will be charged 40 times for that parking spot.
Stay tuned for more predictions!
