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KHS to retrain contingent faculty as doctors

In the midst of the pandemic, and without a new medical facility on the horizon, the Kinesiology and Health Studies faculty have decided to retrain all of their sessionals as doctors. The choice, according to one totally real member of faculty administration, was made because they couldn’t see a path forward for them as permanent members of the staff and it would be cheaper and easier to have mistreated doctors than frustrated scholars

“We looked at the lack of security for doctors in places like Alberta and saw a similarity with our own sessional faculty. We’ve been getting some flak recently for having the same amount of medical support for students as the Dewdney McDonalds, so we thought this could be a perfect solution.”

 In typical U of R fashion, sessionals will have no choice but to either train as doctors at the University of Saskatchewan’s medical school or become unaffiliated scholars. It’s a position that the University of Regina Faculty Association is dead-est against, according to their latest press release. 

“We at URFA refuse to accept that our sessional members be forced to undergo even more years of training just for the privilege of not being offered permanent positions once they are done. We are thankful that the University of Regina has finally offered tangible professional development opportunities, but we are saddened by the reality that the campus is more interested in clout-chasing solutions than they are in reality. Our students are now going to be left without well-taught classes and healthcare and URFA stands in solidarity with our workers as they fight this unjust decision.”

The Owl to become official irresponsibility sponsor for Cougars and Rams athletics

Gone may be the days of coach-sanctioned drunken binges in the Owl, but that doesn’t mean the campus pub is out of the game. The URSU-owned and operated watering hole has decided to become the Cougars and Rams’s irresponsibility sponsor. 

The idea, according to one member of staff, was to embrace a bygone era of U of R athletics while also acknowledging the rich history that drinking and collegiate athletics have in common. 

“Athletes are often our bouncers, sometimes they’re getting rowdy outside, and on the very rare occasions they credit liquid courage for their athletic successes to us behind closed doors. We thought, why not formalize that relationship as an official sponsor and get our little owl all across the gym.”

The new partnership will feature the Owl logo plastered across every wall of the gym, on all Cougars and Rams athletic gear, and right in the middle of the chest on all jerseys and warmups. 

An athletic department spokesperson could not be reached for comment on account of this story being satire. 

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