Mandatory hibernation


By imposing mandatory hibernation on the university, we’ll save millions that can go towards funding the Arts

It’s time to face the unavoidable truth: at some point, I will be made Prime Minister of this country.

My low tolerance for bullshit and filibustering ability make me an ideal candidate for top job in the country. For which party will I run? The Freak Power Party, of course. What nearly made Hunter S. Thompson sheriff of Aspen, Colorado in 1970 will make me Prime Minister in the near future.

What will my first order of Prime Ministership be? To decriminalize, legalize, and even encourage “it.” If you don’t know what “it” is, then I’m not telling you. My next and perhaps more important order of business will be to introduce mandatory hibernation for the country beginning in November and ending on March 1.

So, what does hibernation have to do with operations at the University of Regina? Mandatory country-wide hibernation has everything to do with operations at the University of Regina, bubba. Think about it – we’re trying to formulate creative strategies to “free up efficiencies” in the budget at the university. What more efficiency could be freed up than shutting the building down for four months in the winter?

This bold strategy will accomplish a couple of things: First, it’s going to force professors to trim the fat in their classes. There will be no filler or padding. Students will be able to maximize their university classroom experience to the fullest because professors will be forced to streamline their lesson plans to fit the new, shorter semester schedule. Because students will spend two months in the classroom instead of four, the cost of tuition will go down. Everyone can extinguish all of the torches, and hang the pitchforks back on the wall.

Moreover, the university will save loads of money by ceasing operations in the winter.  I know it often doesn’t seem like it, but the heat is almost constantly running in the building. The heating and energy consumption bills that the university must accumulate each and every winter must be just staggering. Going into complete lockdown every winter will negate any costs that the university will have over the long winter months.

With the money that will be saved by enacting these simple procedures, we can almost certainly save the floundering Arts faculty, and maybe even float some cash towards the underfunded departments – I’m looking right at the film department with that one. The strategy for saving money at the university is simple – it need not be resolved by strategic planning, third-party consultation groups, or by vaporizing necessary teaching positions.

So, by the time the next federal election rolls around, your mission is very clear – the Harpocalypse needs to be stopped. Instead of voting for Stevebot’s Conservatives, or Beard Mulcair’s New Democrats, or god help you, Justin Trudeau, vote Kyle Leitch’s Freak Cabinet into office. Good things are going to happen when Freak Power storms into the hallowed halls of Ottawa. The Faculty of Arts, and indeed, the credibility of the entire university depend on this happening.

Kyle Leitch

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