A Message from the Tabloid Aisle


Article – John Loeppky – Contributor

There are three types of celebrities: the ones who were famous because of some sort of family relative (didn’t realize you were reading this, Mr. Trump), the ones who are famous for something stupid (cough, cough, Kim Kardashian), and finally, the ones who actually have done something amazing with their lives.

            Yet, because society is made up of idiots, we care about them all equally. Not only that, we spend more time hoping for some kind of failure on their part, when we should be celebrating their successes.

For instance, Syria deploys chemical weapons and all we say is, “Oh, another segment of wall to wall coverage on CNN? Why not Teen Mom 2 instead?” Meanwhile, Miley and Robin do that thing which must not be named, and the Internet explodes. The majority of people who watch gossip shows and keep up with all this so called ‘news’–and let’s face it, most of us do get dragged into this egocentric vortex of death–are celebrating the downright silly. It’s almost an ‘I told you so’ moment when a famous person who used to have a house with 27 kitchens and a movie theatre in their basement files for bankruptcy.  At that moment, the collective group is saying, “Haha, no one can be that flawless, welcome back to the real world sucker”.

      Professional athletes, for example, are held to a higher standard and then publicly chastised when they have a misstep. I’ll bet if any of us ‘normal’ people were being watched as closely as they are, we would have a few regrets too. Imagine you, the average University of Regina student, in the food court. Now, what if, as you were munching on your second cheeseburger of the day from BYOB, there were two announcers sitting next to you? One is narrating your every move and the other live tweeting the event. Times that by 1000–a very official statistic by the way–and you have what most true celebrities are feeling day to day.

 Our definition of celebrity has widened as well. I call a certain show, “Dancing with the Z List,” because no contestant is really all that worthy of fame. Since when did celebrity-status become about who can rub two diamond rings together and pay the most child support?

            There has to be a reason why, at the grocery store, the magazines pronouncing half-truths are presented to you immediately after you have purchased the necessities of life. It is as if the shelves are saying, “Here, you’ve worked hard, now here is a 30-page booklet of dishonesty to make you feel that little bit better.” I mean, only in these kinds of publications is seven spouses something to strive for.

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